some (long winded) thoughts on being engaged

Today I was sitting in my Family Processes class and a classmate sat next to me and started up a conversation. Now, if any of you know my mom, you would know that this is something that she would do on a regular basis, but I tend to try to keep to myself in certain situations, class being one of them. I rarely talk to people in my classes. Unless I am forced to. And then I do it resentfully.

But this girl was really nice, and we got to chatting a little bit throughout the class. I mentioned the words "my fiance", because I legitimately insert those words into as many conversations as I possibly can (I just love having it be known that I am engaged, I'm not sure why), so of course we started talking about how I'm getting married and stuff. I knew that she was married and then found out that she got married last year on December 21, just one day before our day. Of course she had all kinds of advice, a lot of which I just nodded and smiled and thought to myself (I'll make my own decision, thank you), and then she asked us how long we had been engaged. I told her that we got engaged on July 21, which was just over two months ago and her face kind of became shocked. She told me that she and her husband had gotten engaged at this time last September and had less than a three month engagement. I said, "I know right? I've already been engaged two months and have as long as your engagement to go. It totally stinks." She was quick to jump in and say, "No matter what you do, don't mess up, because it's so worth it." and then moved the conversation to other things.

Okay. If you aren't in the mood to hear a rant, stop reading, because I am about to get all up on my soapbox. I'm not mad or irritated at what this girl said, I just wish that I could have had the opportunity to clarify what I meant when I said that that being engaged was hard. Because at that phrase, "engagement is hard," people seem to automatically jump to the conclusion that it's the law of chastity aspect that makes it hard. I'll be completely honest with you. Kevin and I are doing great in that regard. Yes, we are very excited for the day when we will be able to express our feelings for each other in the appropriate way between husband and wife, but we have our rules and we (almost always) stick to those rules, we have a curfew, I have never at any time felt that I was in danger of becoming unworthy to enter the temple of God because of our behavior. When then temple is your goal, it becomes a powerful talisman against that temptation. Oh trust me, the temptation is there, but in my experience at least, it is overridden every time by something so much more important, beautiful, sacred and precious.

No. When I say that being engaged is hard, or that it stinks or that I can't wait for it to end is for other reasons (although the whole marital intimacy thing is something I am excited for). These reasons are as follows:

I cannot wait to stop living with 5 other girls. My roommates are all so nice, so sweet, and I feel very blessed that I am living in such a great place before I get married. But honestly, living with other people when you are engaged absolutely SUCKS. I want privacy, I want alone time with Kevin, I want to sleep in a room where I get to help dictate the rules, I want to have a refrigerator that is only filled with the food that I buy and that I want there, I want a place where I can cook a decent meal for my sweetheart without competing for stove space, I want the mass of pots and pans to end, I want a bathroom that is not the most awkward thing ever in existence, I want to be able to walk around naked without having the fear that someone (that I don't want to see me) will walk in on me, when my roommate is doing something in the middle of the night that is making it impossible for me to sleep, I want to be able to reach over and smack him (lovingly) instead of making concessions. The list of reasons why I want to stop living with 5 other girls could go on and on. I am so unbelievably tired of it.

The next reason is closely linked with the first one. I'm tired of sharing space with 6 boys in Kevin's apartment. We spend the majority of our free time there and it becomes slightly wearing. Boys are more smelly and less likely to clean their pots and much more likely to make racist, sexist or inappropriate jokes, even when I am sitting right there. It definitely bothers Kevin as well when his roommate makes a comment about freezing his balls off while I am in the room.

And the biggest reason that I am so flipping tired of being engaged is every single night at 9:00 when Kevin says, "okay I should probably take you home now." And I slowly gather all of my stuff, and I stall, and I drag my feet, and I kiss him a few times to hopefully distract him from making me go home, and we slowly walk across the parking lot, and we wade through the swarm of people surrounding my doorstep (that's what it feels like some nights), and we have a very public goodnight kiss, where who even knows who is watching, and then Kevin says goodbye. And I keep pulling him back for another kiss, or to tell him something that I absolutely had to say right then (which is usually something stupid like, I ate a grapefruit today), and I tell him that I love him many times in as many forms as I can think of, and all the while I know why I'm being such a weirdo and it's because that goodbye moment at the end of every day breaks my heart a little bit. I actually cry about it very frequently. That may sound completely stupid, but honestly, I miss him desperately in that eight hours til morning when I am going to see him again. It gets harder and harder every night and every single time he takes me home I think, "there is no possible way that I can continue to do this for three more months." I literally hate it.

So, for the girl who told me to make sure not to mess up, and for all of those who think, "a five month engagement?? Who do they think they are kidding? There's no way they will be able to stay morally clean!" I say to you, we'll be fine. The real struggle lies in the separation that we have to experience every single day, that I cannot wait to eliminate.

Three months and twenty five days. 

And now, enjoy an adorable couple of my love and I.

Dang we are so cute.