some (long winded) thoughts on being engaged

Today I was sitting in my Family Processes class and a classmate sat next to me and started up a conversation. Now, if any of you know my mom, you would know that this is something that she would do on a regular basis, but I tend to try to keep to myself in certain situations, class being one of them. I rarely talk to people in my classes. Unless I am forced to. And then I do it resentfully.

But this girl was really nice, and we got to chatting a little bit throughout the class. I mentioned the words "my fiance", because I legitimately insert those words into as many conversations as I possibly can (I just love having it be known that I am engaged, I'm not sure why), so of course we started talking about how I'm getting married and stuff. I knew that she was married and then found out that she got married last year on December 21, just one day before our day. Of course she had all kinds of advice, a lot of which I just nodded and smiled and thought to myself (I'll make my own decision, thank you), and then she asked us how long we had been engaged. I told her that we got engaged on July 21, which was just over two months ago and her face kind of became shocked. She told me that she and her husband had gotten engaged at this time last September and had less than a three month engagement. I said, "I know right? I've already been engaged two months and have as long as your engagement to go. It totally stinks." She was quick to jump in and say, "No matter what you do, don't mess up, because it's so worth it." and then moved the conversation to other things.

Okay. If you aren't in the mood to hear a rant, stop reading, because I am about to get all up on my soapbox. I'm not mad or irritated at what this girl said, I just wish that I could have had the opportunity to clarify what I meant when I said that that being engaged was hard. Because at that phrase, "engagement is hard," people seem to automatically jump to the conclusion that it's the law of chastity aspect that makes it hard. I'll be completely honest with you. Kevin and I are doing great in that regard. Yes, we are very excited for the day when we will be able to express our feelings for each other in the appropriate way between husband and wife, but we have our rules and we (almost always) stick to those rules, we have a curfew, I have never at any time felt that I was in danger of becoming unworthy to enter the temple of God because of our behavior. When then temple is your goal, it becomes a powerful talisman against that temptation. Oh trust me, the temptation is there, but in my experience at least, it is overridden every time by something so much more important, beautiful, sacred and precious.

No. When I say that being engaged is hard, or that it stinks or that I can't wait for it to end is for other reasons (although the whole marital intimacy thing is something I am excited for). These reasons are as follows:

I cannot wait to stop living with 5 other girls. My roommates are all so nice, so sweet, and I feel very blessed that I am living in such a great place before I get married. But honestly, living with other people when you are engaged absolutely SUCKS. I want privacy, I want alone time with Kevin, I want to sleep in a room where I get to help dictate the rules, I want to have a refrigerator that is only filled with the food that I buy and that I want there, I want a place where I can cook a decent meal for my sweetheart without competing for stove space, I want the mass of pots and pans to end, I want a bathroom that is not the most awkward thing ever in existence, I want to be able to walk around naked without having the fear that someone (that I don't want to see me) will walk in on me, when my roommate is doing something in the middle of the night that is making it impossible for me to sleep, I want to be able to reach over and smack him (lovingly) instead of making concessions. The list of reasons why I want to stop living with 5 other girls could go on and on. I am so unbelievably tired of it.

The next reason is closely linked with the first one. I'm tired of sharing space with 6 boys in Kevin's apartment. We spend the majority of our free time there and it becomes slightly wearing. Boys are more smelly and less likely to clean their pots and much more likely to make racist, sexist or inappropriate jokes, even when I am sitting right there. It definitely bothers Kevin as well when his roommate makes a comment about freezing his balls off while I am in the room.

And the biggest reason that I am so flipping tired of being engaged is every single night at 9:00 when Kevin says, "okay I should probably take you home now." And I slowly gather all of my stuff, and I stall, and I drag my feet, and I kiss him a few times to hopefully distract him from making me go home, and we slowly walk across the parking lot, and we wade through the swarm of people surrounding my doorstep (that's what it feels like some nights), and we have a very public goodnight kiss, where who even knows who is watching, and then Kevin says goodbye. And I keep pulling him back for another kiss, or to tell him something that I absolutely had to say right then (which is usually something stupid like, I ate a grapefruit today), and I tell him that I love him many times in as many forms as I can think of, and all the while I know why I'm being such a weirdo and it's because that goodbye moment at the end of every day breaks my heart a little bit. I actually cry about it very frequently. That may sound completely stupid, but honestly, I miss him desperately in that eight hours til morning when I am going to see him again. It gets harder and harder every night and every single time he takes me home I think, "there is no possible way that I can continue to do this for three more months." I literally hate it.

So, for the girl who told me to make sure not to mess up, and for all of those who think, "a five month engagement?? Who do they think they are kidding? There's no way they will be able to stay morally clean!" I say to you, we'll be fine. The real struggle lies in the separation that we have to experience every single day, that I cannot wait to eliminate.

Three months and twenty five days. 

And now, enjoy an adorable couple of my love and I.

Dang we are so cute.

man, i feel like a woman

I have a Kindle app on my phone and whenever I have a spare minute I love to read on it. Over the last couple of weeks I read Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. Most definitely one of my favorite books of all time. I had so many moments reading it when I felt the spirit so strongly and there were times that I was brought to tears. I feel that this book is a wonderful guide for making the transition from girlhood to womanhood, and it gives an accurate description of what being a woman is all about, and what the purpose of life is.

There's a huge push for gender equalization going on right now. Honestly, I disagree with that. Sure, I think that women should have equal opportunities and equal pay and there shouldn't be discrimination, but I also think that a woman shouldn't be condemned for having the desire to stay at home and raise her children and keep her house. Biologically and physically, men and women are different, because they have different purposes for this life. Yoked together equally, men and women together can accomplish amazing things because of our differences. I think that this is an idea that is trying to get lost in our society today. And it makes me sad.

I am so excited to someday give up my body to bring children into this world, to dedicate my life to them and hopefully be able to stay in the home while they are young, teaching them and nurturing them. I want to be with a man who can support me in that role and understand and love his own role as a provider and priesthood presider. My future family is the number one most important thing to me, everything else; education, career, mission etc. is all a stepping stone to get to that point.

Ok, I'll get off my soapbox now. :)

and isn't life a splendid thing?

Three months ago I did not want to be here. I had decided on transferring to BYU and the thought of coming back to Rexburg was painful. The thought of meeting new people was stressful. The thought of building new friendships was inconceivable. The thought of dating was repulsive.

Three months later, I'm feeling a teeny bit sad to be saying goodbye forever. This semester has been hands down the best of my college career. Rexburg was never so sweet. I met tons of new people and loved it. I built amazing new friendships that I'm dreading leaving behind. My dating life increased exponentially compared to semesters in the past...and with it brought awkward situations and important lessons to be learned.

Remember how I got addicted to The Drowsy Chaperone this semester? There's a line in the show, it's the culmination of the plot and something that I've been thinking about a lot:
"But in the larger sense, in the broader sense, it's better to have lived, then left right?"
I think about this because it seems to encompass how I've been feeling lately. The thought of leaving some of these amazing people that I've only known for a few short months (Amanda, Savannah, TJ, Chris, Nichole, Moom), makes me wonder why it is that we have people placed in our lives if they are only going to be taken from us. True, they are being taken from me because of my own actions and choices. It makes you wonder if it would be better to become a recluse and not develop friendships because it saves so much pain in the end.

But no. It's better to have lived, then left. It's better to have loved than left. It's better to have made these friendships and relationships, to develop these bonds.

I am SO grateful for the things I have learned in the past three months. I am so grateful for my sweet roommates, especially for Merrie, who has made sharing a room with her such a delight.

In one week from today I'll be back in Utah for good! So many mixed emotions. To all of my friends in Utah, let's party. To all my friends in Rexburg, whenever you come to Utah, look me up so we can get Cafe Rio. Ok? Deal. :)

learn your lessons.

I am a strong believer that God does things for a purpose and that all of the situations in life that we find ourselves in happen to teach us a specific thing. What matters is what we choose to learn from these situations. When I look back on my college career so far, I can pinpoint lessons that I needed to learn from specific semesters because of where I lived, the roommates I had and the classes I took.

My first semester I learned that it's ok to just be sad sometimes. I know that sounds silly, but that is something that I seriously struggled with. And it took me a long time to get to the point where I could accept myself even if I was feeling sad.

My second semester I learned that God wants us to get married and make temple covenants and have an eternal family. I always knew that, but this was the semester that I truly KNEW it. I also learned that a relationship that isn't moving in the direction of the temple becomes a detriment to eternal progression, even if both of the people in question are temple worthy and good people.

This semester I have learned that I can be alone. Physically, I can be alone which is something that has scared me for a long time. I have very busy roommates and I find myself in an empty apartment every day at some point, sometimes for hours. This used to completely unglue me. I needed social interaction at all times. But this semester I have truly learned to enjoy my own company. Also, I can be alone emotionally. I don't need anyone in my life to make me happy, I can do it all on my own. I don't need to be in a relationship to have a sense of self. I think I've found myself more this semester, being all by myself, than I have for a long long time. It's a nice feeling, to get to know myself in a very personal way.

Obviously, I have learned much more than just these three things over the past three semesters, but I feel strongly that each semester of college I have experienced so far has yielded at least one true principle about myself. I feel like I am taking baby steps to truly know who I am and it's an exciting journey. Thankfully I have the footsteps of the Savior to follow and I have my patriarchal blessing to help me know where to turn. Isn't it wonderful how much God loves us that He gives us those examples? And that He leads and directs our lives so that we can maximize our learning experience here? It's so great.

december 16th, here i come.

It was brought to my attention that the semester ends in exactly one month from today.
That means graduation baby.
Yeah, I'm doing the whole cap and gown, commencement, ceremony thing.

And I couldn't be more excited.

Don't get me wrong, I have honestly loved my time here at BYU-Idaho. So so much. It's been a wonderful year and a half here. But I know that this transfer is what is in store for me. I'm so excited to live at home just for one more semester to spend time with my wonderful family (and not have to worry about paying for food for a minute. I'm currently living off of saltine crackers and peanut butter), I'm so excited to be able to have a job while going to school so that I can fully become financially independent. I'm excited to by a car and be mobiley independent!

As we bumble along on life's crazy journey. It's so interesting to see where God takes us isn't it?

what dreams may come

I don't listen to the radio.
You'll find me jamming out to some Debussy, John Rutter or Bartok.
I give lectures about twentieth century music to innocent listeners.
I analyze the hymns I sing.
I analyze everything I listen to.
I hear people say "I love music."

I don't think those people actually understand how to love music like I do.

I'm a bit of an oddity.
I rock out to Beethoven while I work out and read biographies of Prophets while I ride the bike.
If it's 10:30 at night and you happen by my apartment, there is a really good chance that I'm in bed.
I like my showers to scald.
Sometimes I  turn it up as high as it will go and then sit down in the corner and let myself steam. I feel like I'm marinating.
I snort when I laugh.
I talk in my sleep.
Sometimes I cry about food.

I don't know if I've ever met anyone like me.

I like to get dressed up in classy clothes and look pretty.
I also like to grunge down in my PG gym shorts.
Getting a job on campus that has required me to dress professionally is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Sometimes I go to my roommates rehearsals because I love watching a musical come together.
I'm not a drama person.
But I know quite a lot about theater.

Sometimes I get sad for no explicable reason. It's ok. That's life.

Amanda says she loves me for it because my emotions are there for everyone to read and it makes me more compassionate and loving.
I wish I wasn't such an open book.

I like to think of myself as a complex, complicated puzzle piece. I have some jagged edges, some gaping holes. I can get along with almost everyone, but I think that it will take a special someone to become my other half.

I'm not going to settle for someone who I'm just compatible with. Someone who just pays attention to me for three weeks and then moves on. I deserve to be with someone who understands every aspect, facet and crevice of my complicated self and loves me all the more for each small characteristic that I possess.

I have a dream of my life. I dream of a husband and children. But in the meantime, I am more than content to learn about myself, to discover the wonderful things that I have to offer and to develop those qualities that I'm developing.

I like who I am. 

And someday there will be a special someone
Who will like who I am too.

feeling disillusioned

Week one of the last chapter of Rexburg is done.
It was a good week.
18 credits, no problem. Part time job, easy.
I've done all my homework ahead of time, managed to hit the gym and even had a social life.
I've met new people, tried my hand at flirting a bit, and found myself only slightly out of practice at batting my eyelashes.

And now I'm at home for an approximately 24 hour trip.
Farwells are the best, especially for the boy you grew up with.
Dear Colton, I will never forget when we were little and played dress up and ate raspberries from your bush.

I was glad to get back up to school for the new semester for the sole reason that it is my last.
Now that I've gone up and come back already, I'm even more desperate for the time to come that I move back, and eventually move to Provo.

I've surprised myself by being a complete homebody.